Changing the profile...This is the old stuff...

 It just doesn't apply to how I feel any more. Yes you should not live life recklessly, but I have a new focus now. And it's so bitter............and sad. It's kinda sad. I actually hate reading the last paragraph. I never do. I just skip it. It's too painful. And embarrasing.


Ten cuidado....Don't take too many chances or live it too regretlessly because if you don't go slow enough to get it right the first time you will just have to go back and do it all over again.

I am a person who loves deeply, forgives easily, and is completely honest. You won't meet another one like me.

I don't believe in not forgiving people. God forgave us our sins, so we must forgive others theirs. I thank God that he forgave me because what if he hadn't of? What if he had of turned his back on me? At this point he is all I have left because of this. And I thank him every day that he is still with me.

Love you God. Please continue to help me. Keep me strong Lord. Love you more than life, God. : )

Katie


Update: 5/30/10

So I am changing my profile box. Here was the old

"Is she a Capulet...?

So I fear; the more is my unrest."

http://www.formspring.me/KatMeditating

The music of that realtionship. For months now I haven't been able to listen to George Winston because almost every song reminded me of him. It gives me queer feelings, and takes me back to a time that doesn't exist anymore, and I can't find it in my memories, but I can feel in my soul. I have to fight the urge to cry. It just hurts.

Will this ever be healed? I feel that the only reason I have made it so far is because he is ignoring me and hates me and has a girlfriend now. If all of that hadn't of happened I don't know if I would have been able to make it. I feel, strange. Enthralled and sad because I am reliving the sensation, the love, but it isn't real. It doesn't exist anymore but in my memories. It's in my soul.

It reminds me of car rides, and looking up at the stars and seeing the tree branches pass. It was something special, something special that we had between that music. Sometimes we were just quiet. And it was good.

And it reminds me of fall, when we first met. That room in traer, dark in the afternoon or in the morning with the blinds closed, just laying there.

I have to fight the urge to hate. To hate him and to hate her. It's bad. Lord I would like to say just don't let it hurt. But I know that is a lie, and that it won't work. It has to hurt. Otherwise I'll never get over him.

And ya know even to this day I am still thinking and wondering if we can't be together again. Well I know we can't, but wouldn't I like to be. In my soul somewhere I still long for it. For things to just return to the way they were. Without all the complications and all the mess ups. Just me and him. In our love.

It's so sad. I probably sound so pathetic.

Where are you now. - George Winston

I feel like there is so much love there, just waiting be rekindled. Just waiting for a chance to love. Just waiting to unleash my love. Why? Why do I feel so much???

I don't understand. I've always known that I have this ability to love but I never thought it went this deep. It's so ridiculous. I just loved this man.

He showed me so many of his things that were his favorite. He really opened up to me and let me into his life into his personal life. Where did it all go wrong, and why? It was so good for, idk maybe it really wasn't that long. But I loved him. No matter how childish and foolish and stupid I may have been to play things as if they were not perishable. That's what it is. I didn't think that anything I did would have an affect on anything. I didn't think that our relationship would change from anything I did. I didn't think our love would change because I flirted or played around a bit here and there. So, I was wrong.

John where are you? I just want to talk to you, that's all that is in my soul.

Time, time is just amazing and incredible. For the first time, I am feeling different. Almost Okay. I don't even know, just safer, better, not as affected as before, and certainly not thinking about it all the time. I think I might have discovered a key secret this weekend.............rest. There is a reason why God put a Sabath day on the earth for us. Because when we use it and force ourselves to just rest.......and do nothing else, just rest, I think good things happen. IDK, it just feels different. And I'm okay. I really know who I am. Or I am rediscovering and I'm feeling better. I know whats going to happen a little bit in my future for once, (hopefully if it doesn't fall through) and I feel grounded. I feel good. I know that tomorrow I'm going to wake up and get dressed and go to class and go on with my day and get some food and go do something and/or study and go work on stage craft hours, or go work on my song, or something, and I'm going to look at my planner and plan ahead for the next few weeks with things in mind. I'm going to do it and its gona be fine. IDK God, what is this new feeling. I don't even know how to place it or identify it. I think I'm figuring it out though; I think I'm figuring out who I am and who I have become and what I want to do. Please Lord, let this transition follow through.

I feel okay. And it almost feels like high school again. I mean like the thoughts and feelings I used to have, of just gona get up and go about my day. IDK. Its different but its familiar.

IDK. Lord help me.

Some people are just smothering. And when you get free, you're free. I think B is smothering him. For the first time today, after talking with R and V, and R finally characterizing John as being Passive Aggressive, I get it. And I realize that all he is doing, is really to get back at me. That's what he has been doing, even before we broke up. I found out that he was talking to some other girl from GA state like back in September when we were still dating. One of my friends saw them walking to the dorms together, talking and laughing and touching each other. The story adds up too, because the last month or two of our relationship, John was never with me. That's one of the reasons I broke up with him. Instead of taking 2 hours to go to GA state in the mornings, he was taking 4 and 5, leaving extra early and staying way later. I knew it was sketchy behavior, but I never thought that he would have been hanging out with another girl from another school all that time. It wasn't like his friend or anything like that either, because in the 2 years that he has been there, he has no friends there. None. Not guys, or girls. It just adds up. And its just........disheartening, and disappointing I suppose. All this time, I always thought I was the bad one and he was the good one. Not so. He is just as rotten and messed up as I am, maybe even more, but he hides it so well. And he is passive aggressive, so no one knows the mean things he does to get back at people, but himself.

He did that to a guy once, so I have seen it before. Basically, someone sexually assaulted me while we were together, and instead of confronting him face to face about it, he snuck into his room and ripped all the keys off of his keyboard and crapped and pissed on his bed. I kid you not. I thought it was funny at the time, gross and ridiculous too, but I didn't realize that later he would be doing the same thing to me. He is literally crapping on me.

But B is really smothering him. I realized it today, for the first time I saw it in a different light. I saw a new facebook post on his wall from her where she said something blatant and obnoxious like they always do to each other, along the lines of "walking in the park was great with you tonight we are going to have to do this way more often." Its like that, with something new, every day. And today, I saw it. It IS passive aggresive, and I think she is in on it. They are literally TRYING to make me feel horrible. I feel like the whole reason why they post this stuff up for everyone to see, is one, to make themselves look good, two so everyone will think they are having the best time of their life and that they are so happy, and three to get revenge on me. Why wouldn't you just txt someone that??? IF you are hanging out with their family, and staying up for "late night talks," and spending the night at their house, and taking walks together in the park, why wouldn't you just txt someone that?????!!!!!

There's no reason. Its just to piss me off.

He may like the smothering attention she is giving him now, but he won't. It will grow old and the effects will wear off. He will start to get pissed off and annoyed by her. If every one liked her, it would be a different story, but most people don't. His biggest thing is popularity, and approval, and this won't bring it to him, instead its going to go in reverse. Then maybe when he has had enough of it all, he'll come back and talk to me. Maybe like April or something. Of course by then it will be too late. Ya, know, it already is too late, because I have seen what he REALLY is. Under all that sweet facade, is an ugly person.

Ya know, I never would have thought he would have turned out the way he did. He just seemed so,,,,,different. And honestly he's got everyone fooled so well, I never would have know if all of this hadn't of happened. He has a long way to go in maturing. And he's gotta do it on his own, I can't help him. Trust me. I've tried.

Oh well. That's the way he is. I've gotta start looking for my fantasy man, in someone else. It's just there, I know it has to be. I thought I found it, and I had, but it had an expiration date and it spoiled rotten. But there is the fantasy man out there, but he will also be mature and secure in himself, and not passive aggressive and childish like John is. He will be even better. I just gotta keep looking.

The end. : )

Love, you God.

I'm not really sure what to do right now. I know I have to get my life back on track, I'm just not exactly sure how to do it.

I'm feeling better though. We had our final talk (I'll call it final anyways) where I somehow basically got him to admit everything I had finally figured out about what had caused our relationship to downfall, and all the hurts and feelings he had been keeping in that I had been unaware of. He got real mad and was basically like "I don't want to talk about the relationship, I'm never going back into that, I have already moved on, we will never be together again, I cannot forgive you."

So basically he can't forgive me for some things that I did that, granted were bad, but not unforgivable. It is clear to me now. One thing happened, and it changed him. It changed how he looked at me and treated me, and that's why summer was so hard, and all the things happened as they did. That is why he never made an effort to come see me, or take me out, or spend time with me like he always used to. And that was the reason why I ended up cheating on him later, and then  because I did that he could not forgive me, and as school started back, I was fine and I thought we were fine, but it only got worse. Everything that had happened during the summer only got worse, and though we practically lived together, I never saw him. He never wanted to physically be around me. And that is why I broke up with him. And now that all this has come out it all makes sense, even down to how easily he got over me, and how hard I fell because of that.

Its not that I didn't try. I knew he was treating me differently, wrongly, and I constantly questioned whether or not he still loved and it puzzled me, because I didn't know why he was acting the way he was. With me I was fine, I was ready to take our relationship to the next level, but he was slowly constantly pulling out of it. It makes sense.

I tried talking to him so many times, but I had no idea that it was the mistakes I had made that were keeping him from being happy with me, because he couldn't forgive me. Wow, what a revelation.

Its done now. I realized, that all this time I thought he loved me. And he didn't, just like I was afraid of. He loved me up until about the end of April, when I made that mistake, and from then on, he didn't love me. It was a slow slipping away at first, then it became more rapid and excellerated until it didn't matter to him at all anymore, and I could feel it. I broke up with him, because I was deprived of the love and affection he had so continually bestowed upon me for the first 6 months of our relationship, and I began to become attracted to other men, and I realized this. I didn't want to cheat on him again (and of course I explained all this to him, like I always did, I always talked about everything because I realize that communication is the key to every relationship and I actually gave a fuck about us being together, and wanted to keep us that way for life) but I needed to figure out what I wanted. I also said that he needed to fix his things, the never spending time with me, or wanting to see me, and all that jazz, and all the little changes in his attitude toward me that I just couldn't explain. I never thought that we wouldn't get back together. Lo and behold, instead of fixing his issues that I thought he would at least attempt to do (and I had been talking to him about these for the past 5-6 months) he choose to do nothing and to let me go free. He would let me go, than choose to work through his pain and forgive me, so that he could love me again, and we could be together. Unbelievable. I never in a million years thought it would come to this.

Because I made two stupid mistakes. One, that really started it all, and wasn't even that big of a deal, that turned out badly on my part anyways, and affected me very negatively. And that "killed" him.

I can't believe it, I made one stupid mistake, just being unsure of myself and what I wanted, and that forced us to let it all go. Because I hurt him, and he can't forgive me for that, so he can't love me, and I can't be with someone who doesn't love me. Wow. So that's it. That's the wrap.

How can you be with someone who doesn't forgive???? How can anyone be with someone like that?
How can you be that person?? How can you just not forgive someone for one little mistake? And you would rather let it eat you, and ruin your whole relationship?? I mean we REALLY had something. Something not worth losing over that. It wasn't worth it. But it was his choice and he didn't think I was worth it.

I think his ''bubble" of me burst, and I wasn't pure and perfect anymore, or something, and that made me like tainted goods or something, and that like made him sick or something, and that made him not very attracted to me anymore, and made him not want to be with me. I guess, I think that's stupid because NO ONE IS PERFECT!

What, what do you really expect of me? I'm only human! Geeze, no one could live up to your expectations. Oh well I take that back I guess they could if they were really strong in the faithful loyalty department and never wronged you.

I just don't get it. He never got jealous, always let me do watever I wanted, never got upset, never showed signs of jealousy, never put any boundaries on me, even though I told him if he wanted to it would be just fine! And I told him that that was one of the reasons why it was hard on me, because he always let me do watever I wanted and never got upset over anything, and I told him he should have put some boundaries on me, and I think he pretty much just disagreed with me, and thought I was a stupid unloyal whore. That the whole thing was all my fault and it was solely my responsibility to keeping faithful to him and the relationship. Well it is, but if you just can't give someone too much freedom and act like you don't care, because under that impression they are gona do watever they want. Also, you can't treat your partner like shit and never want to see them or give them any love or attention, especially when they ARE because then they ARE GOING TO CHEAT.

I think it is best summed up in Shakira's She Wolf lyrics.

"I've been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday.
Not getting enough retribution or decent incentives to keep me at it.
I'm starting to feel a just little abused like a coffee machine in an office.
So I'm gonna go somewhere cozy to get me a lover and tell you about it."

That's just what happened. Period. And communication can only go so far if it is only one way. We were done at 6/7 months. That's when all the loved stopped (on his part anyways). For me, to be honest, that was when I truley fell in love with him. I remember that, it was right around 7 months, and I was laying in his bed and I looked at him, I looked into his eyes, and I let myself fall in love with him. Because this whole time I hadn't done that. I guess because I was afraid to let myself be that vulnerable, especially to someone that I didn't really know. Isn't taht funny? Ironic as hell. And that love never went away. Who knows if it ever will, because I remember that moment, and I gave in. I told him that, but he didn't know what the hell that meant, obviously.

And guess what? That's also when God told me in my room one day that we were over. I was just walking in, and he told me that. And I cried no, and screamed that it wasn't true it couldn't be. Because I couldn't see the end. I couldn't see what was gona happen. And I said "God why would you put us together and end it 6 months later???" I said "So what was John then?" And God said "A learning experience." And I busted out crying. And guess what? That answer is the exact same thing God told me right after he told me he didn't want to get back together with me. And I didn't realize that they related till about a month later. Can you believe that? I knew all along. And not only that, God told me at 2 months, that we were not going to get married, like I thought we were. And it scared me, a lot, but I blew it off, because I had to or else it would have driven me nuts. Why does God tell me these things? Geeze....I almost wonder if it is better to be blissfully ignorant. But I guess not. I don't know. I feel like when I don't listen at all I do even worse. So who knows, maybe there is no way out, no win scenario.

Wow, I just.....its over. He didn't love me. All this time. This last half of us. He didn't love me. I can't believe it, but it is completely true. And that also makes sense, because I told me my mom during this time period, that I used to think that he was the one who loved more, but then I said I thought that it was me. That makes sense now. Wow. Because he did love me. Then it was me. Wow. That sucks. I like set myself up to get hurt. Dang.

You know what else? He took this other bitch Ice Skating on my birthday. Fucker!

I always wanted to go ice skating and he knew that! He never offered to take me ice skating!
Agh, that's so mean.

Anyways. Here's what I will do. I will never be with a cheap ass jerk who won't pay for stuff again. I also won't ever be with an idiot who won't take me out to do fun stuff because he is a cheap ass (like ice skating, aggh). Also I will really try to never be with a man again who can't forgive. Because what if I make a mistake? I mean I understand that is the point of all this crap, so I won't make so many mistakes any more, but I mean dang! What pressure! To know that you can never make a mistake, or its over? What kind of a relationship is that?! Also I will never again be with a man, who doesn't love me. NEVER AGAIN. NEVER.

I read some old stuff that I wrote in high school today. I found an old saved internet RPG application from when I was 15, and I had written that the characters worst fear was that she would love someone who didn't love her back. Wow. I guess we don't really change all that much, do we? My 15 year old self knew that about me, and I didn't even consciously know that, or else I had forgotten. But yeah its really true. It wasn't a fear persay anymore, but now who knows it may end up coming back again, unfortunately.

I don't want to say that I will never date again, but I hate dating around. It sucks. I know what I want and I thought I had found it, but apparently not, so I've gotta find it again, but what are the luck/chances of that? I'm really picky. I know exactly what I want and all the elements have to be there. Its just crappy. I just want to find that guy (which I thought I had) and freaking get married. Thats all I want. I don't want any of this dating around crap, it sucks! I just want my one true love, and he IS out there. I just don't know how long it will be before I find him. I'm just so ready.

Wow this is really long. HAHA, as usuallly, but this is a little ridiculous. I guess I had some stuff to get out.

Anyways, the whole point of the blog was to say I'm  not sure where to go from here. I don't see the path, I don't see the light to light the path, I don't really see anything past like falling asleep sometime tonight and eating tomorrow because I am hungry. And that is dangerous. I don't like that. I'm gona end up just hanging out with friends every night and partying, which is fun, but not very fulfilling and at the end of the day I HAVE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING. Which is really bad, and I don't like it. I don't know, I just need to see the light, I need to see the path into January.

There are a lot of things I need to know about. I need to know what job to get, in what profession, personal assistant, something with theatre (unknown here), or babysitting, or what? Because that will shape and affect the rest of my semester, or at least till like half way through, or it could even affect my whole summer and where i will live next semester. So many things could happen now and I need to know which decision to make. I don't want to wait till it is too late, but I don't want to rush into anything. I don't know God, just please guide me.